Also, you are killing me.
I was naive. I really thought you'd be a better sleeper. I know more now, I thought. I won't let him get as overtired. I'll know the schedule. I've got more tricks up my sleeve.
But you have defied all my tricks. So let me defend myself and tell you now that I didn't want to do this. Let the record show that I tried everything. Here is a list of things that did not work:
-Co-sleeping
-Sleeping with you in the same room
-Putting you in your own room
-Various sound machines
-Nursing you to sleep
-Cluster feeding at night
-Waiting three hours between feedings
-Dream feeding
-Later bedtimes
-Earlier bedtimes
-Soothing you every time you woke up
-Letting you cry a few minutes every time you woke up
-Sleeping you in the car, in the carrier, in the stroller, in my arms, or in your own bed
-Trying solid foods
-Getting you on a schedule
-Being flexible with our schedule
-Putting you down within two hours of wakefulness
-Stretching out your wakefulness windows
-Soothing you to sleep
-Letting you learn to fall asleep on your own
I am not proud of it, but I have learned that my brain doesn't handle sleep deprivation gracefully. I'm a shadow of myself. I'm a big hot mess. I need to be there for you, for your sister, and for your dad. I want a brain that works. I want to have the energy to play with you both. I want to remember things. I want to stop having meltdowns. I need to have access to my spirit, and apparently a regular five-hour stretch of sleep is my ticket. Therefore, I have to let you cry it out.
I tell you all this because of my guilt. I am so sorry. It's amazing how hard this is, even though I did it with your sister, and even though it worked beautifully. She has been a great sleeper ever since.
It's harder with you, because you are so snuggly and easy to soothe, and you have a breathtakingly powerful shriek. You are hoarse already from all my check-and-console experiments. I'm afraid my inconsistency has simply taught you perseverance.
But I believe this is the right thing for me, and for you too. A small army of pediatricians have told me so. It's just that my prehistoric instinct to answer your cry hasn't caught up. But I am sending that instinct a very important message: that I MATTER TOO. I hate all the anti-cry-it-out and attachment parenting militants because they forget to tell moms that YOU MATTER. Your well being matters, and even though for some reason it feels terribly wrong, sleep training will be good for everyone because everyone in this family is important and has needs. There. End of spiel.
I needed to reassure myself. I will write another letter when this process is complete, and I pray it is a happy one. :)
