I bought another book by the guy who wrote Listening to Prozac, Dr. Peter Kramer. I love the way he writes. He helps me see all that I have to learn.
He mentions that after his first book, people started encouraging him to write a book of advice. He knows people devour Seven Steps to Whatever, but he comes from a therapeutic tradition that abhors advice and opinion. He tries to "get out of people's way" as much as possible. As he mulls it over, he recalls an event in which a man asked for his expert opinion.
The man called him in the middle of the night to tell him his wife had died suddenly, and he needed his advice. When Dr. Kramer arrived at his house, amidst the bustle around him, the man pulled him aside and asked: "Should I bring our small children to the funeral?"
The man was desperate. He was overwhelmed with all that lay before him and just wanted to know what to do. Dr. Kramer thought about all the research either way, and then ended up responding: "Either way it will be wrong. What is wrong is to lose your mother when you are young."
The man looked relieved, and later thanked him for his response in a way that told Dr. Kramer he had struck a right chord.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Ending Global Gagging
All I could think was Handel's Messiah: "Haaaaaalelluja! Haaaaaaalelluja! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!"
Not even a week into his presidency, President Obama made another bold move: he changed the so-called "global gag rule," which prohibited the distribution of federal funds to international agencies who provide abortion information/counseling.
The rule was created by Reagan in 1984, then overturned by Clinton, then put back in effect by Bush, and now overturned again by Obama.
Obama is quoted as saying, "We need to stop policiticizing this issue."
"Halleeeeeelujah!"
Smart of him to do it now, while our country is distracted by many other things. Looks like this issue will not be one on which Obama "governs from the center." This will change so much. I imagine it will dramatically change USAID policies and funding provisions--from what I learned, the agency focuses a great deal of money on family planning services around the world. This will surely save lives, and most likely keep more people out of poverty. Mr. President, stop making me so freakin' teary-eyed.
Not even a week into his presidency, President Obama made another bold move: he changed the so-called "global gag rule," which prohibited the distribution of federal funds to international agencies who provide abortion information/counseling.
The rule was created by Reagan in 1984, then overturned by Clinton, then put back in effect by Bush, and now overturned again by Obama.
Obama is quoted as saying, "We need to stop policiticizing this issue."
"Halleeeeeelujah!"
Smart of him to do it now, while our country is distracted by many other things. Looks like this issue will not be one on which Obama "governs from the center." This will change so much. I imagine it will dramatically change USAID policies and funding provisions--from what I learned, the agency focuses a great deal of money on family planning services around the world. This will surely save lives, and most likely keep more people out of poverty. Mr. President, stop making me so freakin' teary-eyed.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Fun with astrology
So. There's this thing in astrology about Mercury. A few times a year, Mercury looks like it's going backward in the sky (it's not, but it looks like it). When that happens, they say, "Mercury is retrograde." Since Mercury is the planet that rules communication, when it's retrograde the world gets annoying. Plans change, mail doesn't arrive, things get lost and have to be repeated.
My sister planned her wedding while mercury was retrograde, and we did everything twice: she bought two dresses, we had to do the invitations twice, it was hilarious.
The day of the 2000 election, when all hell broke loose, was a day that mercury was switching directions. Those days are supposed to be the worst.
A few years ago when 10,000 Oscar ballots were lost was also a day mercury changed directions.
Mercury is retrograde right now. Is it a coincidence that inauguration day was insanity of the purest kind? And they couldn't even get the oath right? I'm just sayin...
My sister planned her wedding while mercury was retrograde, and we did everything twice: she bought two dresses, we had to do the invitations twice, it was hilarious.
The day of the 2000 election, when all hell broke loose, was a day that mercury was switching directions. Those days are supposed to be the worst.
A few years ago when 10,000 Oscar ballots were lost was also a day mercury changed directions.
Mercury is retrograde right now. Is it a coincidence that inauguration day was insanity of the purest kind? And they couldn't even get the oath right? I'm just sayin...
Favorite Things: Presidential PDA
Our president is a role model in many ways. One of them is Public Displays of Affection.
I love how he always leans in so far. On election night, I remember him doubling over to kiss his girls. He turns his body toward Michelle, moves his face toward hers, gets in close.
*Haha--googling this, I just found out it is a very popular blogging subject. Besobama.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Proverbs: My Father
When he calls me, he tells me his longitude and latitude. When I call him, he answers with the date. Orienting himself? "Who am I--there I am"?
He's seen me four times in 16 years, but still he says he misses me.
He sends me letters comparing America to Rome and Greece, with the occasional $20 money order or bar of chocolate.
He lives in his parents' 100 year-old house. His parents have passed away. He rarely leaves home. He could go on for hours about boarding the windows for winter, fixing the front deck, the tree in the front yard that never gets enough darkness, the squirrels who terrorize his yard.
Once upon a time, he was working toward his Ph.D. He had a family. He had a brilliant mind to offer the world. Now, time has stopped for him. He has no one but his sister, nothing but his house. No dreams of a future. "I don't know where all the time goes," he repeats over and over. He will never quite understand why.
He experiences more range of emotion reading an Ezra Pound biography than some people experience in a lifetime.
He tells me what a great job I'm doing without him.
He blames the government for the loss of his children.
When he came to visit me, he showed up in a three-piece suit.
He taught me a lot about the dark side of the world, and of the mind. Through him, I began to learn the importance of making peace with it.
I once found poems of his in our garage. One of them said, "I've no one to talk to, Paper, but you." I thought, "Screw you."
And when he tells me how glad he is to talk to me, I feel a warmth spread to a very hard-to-reach place in my heart.
He's seen me four times in 16 years, but still he says he misses me.
He sends me letters comparing America to Rome and Greece, with the occasional $20 money order or bar of chocolate.
He lives in his parents' 100 year-old house. His parents have passed away. He rarely leaves home. He could go on for hours about boarding the windows for winter, fixing the front deck, the tree in the front yard that never gets enough darkness, the squirrels who terrorize his yard.
Once upon a time, he was working toward his Ph.D. He had a family. He had a brilliant mind to offer the world. Now, time has stopped for him. He has no one but his sister, nothing but his house. No dreams of a future. "I don't know where all the time goes," he repeats over and over. He will never quite understand why.
He experiences more range of emotion reading an Ezra Pound biography than some people experience in a lifetime.
He tells me what a great job I'm doing without him.
He blames the government for the loss of his children.
When he came to visit me, he showed up in a three-piece suit.
He taught me a lot about the dark side of the world, and of the mind. Through him, I began to learn the importance of making peace with it.
I once found poems of his in our garage. One of them said, "I've no one to talk to, Paper, but you." I thought, "Screw you."
And when he tells me how glad he is to talk to me, I feel a warmth spread to a very hard-to-reach place in my heart.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Roll the R. Amorrrrr.
Ah, relationships.
*See disclaimer below.
Most of us want them. Even if we complain about them, it's only because we want them to be better, more loving, more lasting, more fulfulling. I have been exposed to a cauldron of different theories on how to make them work. I have plenty of ideas, like most of us. And on some level I am profoundly confused.
Growing up, I went through couples counseling vicariously through my mother. Many of my friends know her therapist's name well--Pat Alan. She is one of those gender-happy therapists who wraps things up in easily understandable packages. She believes that people should choose roles: one person should choose to be "the man" and one "the woman" (no matter that person's sex). If you want both, she says, you're trying to be a "10" which forces the other person to be a "0." As a child I learned very clear rules of masculinity and feminity:
Masculinity: Pursuing. Stating his wants. Taking initiative. Giving. Providing. Viewing women as "recipients of his generosity." Asking, "How do you feel?" and cherishing those feelings. "Even if they're irrational, illogical, or just plan irritating," Pat would say.
Femininity: Letting him take the lead. Receiving and appreciating. Saying what she doesn't want. Giving back rather than giving first. Letting him drive past the freeway exit without questioning him. Asking, "What do you think?" and respecting those thoughts. "Even when I know I'm smarter and could do it better," she'd say.
Of course, the feminist lion in me rises up on its hind legs. Don't you know where these beliefs come from?! Don't you know about the centuries of oppression perpetuated by them?! What about the damage done by cutting off pieces of your being?? Idolize women who are educated, sophisticated, professional, independent! Progress means moving past our gender traps! Don't change your plans for a man! Be like Beyonce! ...He'll like you better anyway!
And yet deep down nags the wonder that maybe she's right. After all, socialization has only progressed so far. Maybe there are innate differences that should be embraced. Many people have felt very helped by her, including my mom. Hell, I'd rather be pursued than be the pursuer. I'd rather have a partner listen to my feelings than let me pass the freeway exit. And I'm a woman. So there you go. Never mind that Pat Alan has been divorced twice...don't judge a theory by the theorist.
And never mind that Beyonce's married now.
The different layers blend and fragment in my brain. I know the needs beneath them are common: longing to create a loving, intimate partnership and to experience my full power and potential. Just like with religion, I don't think you can put too sturdy of a box around the magic of those mysteries.
[Disclaimer: please forgive my gendered language. I am far more familiar with heterosexual
relationships, and I imagine (perhaps wrongly) that the intricacies of other kinds might
have different cultural and emotional conflicts.]
*See disclaimer below.
Most of us want them. Even if we complain about them, it's only because we want them to be better, more loving, more lasting, more fulfulling. I have been exposed to a cauldron of different theories on how to make them work. I have plenty of ideas, like most of us. And on some level I am profoundly confused.
Growing up, I went through couples counseling vicariously through my mother. Many of my friends know her therapist's name well--Pat Alan. She is one of those gender-happy therapists who wraps things up in easily understandable packages. She believes that people should choose roles: one person should choose to be "the man" and one "the woman" (no matter that person's sex). If you want both, she says, you're trying to be a "10" which forces the other person to be a "0." As a child I learned very clear rules of masculinity and feminity:
Masculinity: Pursuing. Stating his wants. Taking initiative. Giving. Providing. Viewing women as "recipients of his generosity." Asking, "How do you feel?" and cherishing those feelings. "Even if they're irrational, illogical, or just plan irritating," Pat would say.
Femininity: Letting him take the lead. Receiving and appreciating. Saying what she doesn't want. Giving back rather than giving first. Letting him drive past the freeway exit without questioning him. Asking, "What do you think?" and respecting those thoughts. "Even when I know I'm smarter and could do it better," she'd say.
Of course, the feminist lion in me rises up on its hind legs. Don't you know where these beliefs come from?! Don't you know about the centuries of oppression perpetuated by them?! What about the damage done by cutting off pieces of your being?? Idolize women who are educated, sophisticated, professional, independent! Progress means moving past our gender traps! Don't change your plans for a man! Be like Beyonce! ...He'll like you better anyway!
And yet deep down nags the wonder that maybe she's right. After all, socialization has only progressed so far. Maybe there are innate differences that should be embraced. Many people have felt very helped by her, including my mom. Hell, I'd rather be pursued than be the pursuer. I'd rather have a partner listen to my feelings than let me pass the freeway exit. And I'm a woman. So there you go. Never mind that Pat Alan has been divorced twice...don't judge a theory by the theorist.
And never mind that Beyonce's married now.
The different layers blend and fragment in my brain. I know the needs beneath them are common: longing to create a loving, intimate partnership and to experience my full power and potential. Just like with religion, I don't think you can put too sturdy of a box around the magic of those mysteries.
[Disclaimer: please forgive my gendered language. I am far more familiar with heterosexual
relationships, and I imagine (perhaps wrongly) that the intricacies of other kinds might
have different cultural and emotional conflicts.]
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