Roll the R. Amorrrrr.

Ah, relationships.
*See disclaimer below.

Most of us want them. Even if we complain about them, it's only because we want them to be better, more loving, more lasting, more fulfulling. I have been exposed to a cauldron of different theories on how to make them work. I have plenty of ideas, like most of us. And on some level I am profoundly confused.

Growing up, I went through couples counseling vicariously through my mother. Many of my friends know her therapist's name well--Pat Alan. She is one of those gender-happy therapists who wraps things up in easily understandable packages. She believes that people should choose roles: one person should choose to be "the man" and one "the woman" (no matter that person's sex). If you want both, she says, you're trying to be a "10" which forces the other person to be a "0." As a child I learned very clear rules of masculinity and feminity:

Masculinity: Pursuing. Stating his wants. Taking initiative. Giving. Providing. Viewing women as "recipients of his generosity." Asking, "How do you feel?" and cherishing those feelings. "Even if they're irrational, illogical, or just plan irritating," Pat would say.

Femininity: Letting him take the lead. Receiving and appreciating. Saying what she doesn't want. Giving back rather than giving first. Letting him drive past the freeway exit without questioning him. Asking, "What do you think?" and respecting those thoughts. "Even when I know I'm smarter and could do it better," she'd say.

Of course, the feminist lion in me rises up on its hind legs. Don't you know where these beliefs come from?! Don't you know about the centuries of oppression perpetuated by them?! What about the damage done by cutting off pieces of your being?? Idolize women who are educated, sophisticated, professional, independent! Progress means moving past our gender traps! Don't change your plans for a man! Be like Beyonce! ...He'll like you better anyway!

And yet deep down nags the wonder that maybe she's right. After all, socialization has only progressed so far. Maybe there are innate differences that should be embraced. Many people have felt very helped by her, including my mom. Hell, I'd rather be pursued than be the pursuer. I'd rather have a partner listen to my feelings than let me pass the freeway exit. And I'm a woman. So there you go. Never mind that Pat Alan has been divorced twice...don't judge a theory by the theorist.

And never mind that Beyonce's married now.

The different layers blend and fragment in my brain. I know the needs beneath them are common: longing to create a loving, intimate partnership and to experience my full power and potential. Just like with religion, I don't think you can put too sturdy of a box around the magic of those mysteries.

[Disclaimer: please forgive my gendered language. I am far more familiar with heterosexual
relationships, and I imagine (perhaps wrongly) that the intricacies of other kinds might
have different cultural and emotional conflicts.]