A Meditation from Ti Harmony

I wrote Ti Harmony and asked him if he had any yoga classes recorded. In his benevolence, he sent me three on a CD. I wish I could express my bliss.

I thought I'd pass along a meditation that begins one of the classes. I love his meditations.

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We'll meditate for a little bit.

Take a few conscious, deep breaths. Move your body if you need to, so you can feel as comfortable as possible.

Relax any unnecessary tensions.

Let go of what you were doing earlier.

And let go of what you think you might do later.

And then take a very long deep breath in, and hold the breath in for a moment.

As you're ready, exhale quietly and let your attention then drift down. Start to feel the floor and your body's contact with it.

Really feel the floor.

And breathe out.

As you're breathing in, then letting your attention draw up the spine.

Bring the attention up the spine all the way to the very top center of the head.

What's the space above your head feel like?

Can you stretch your feeling sense into the space above your head?

As you're ready, take a long deep breath in. When you exhale, without closing the top of your head, let your attention now drift down into and throughout, eventually, your whole body and being.

How does it feel being you right now? (long pause)

You might start to open yourself to something greater. (long pause)

Take a long, deep breath in and out.

Get clear for yourself what is your intention for the rest of your time here.

Again take a deep breath in, and as you're ready breathe back out.

I bow to the light inside you. Namaste.

The Dance Of...

"I admired in [my patients] the very traits that caused them trouble in the world, their sensitivity, generosity, openness, vulnerability. Some of these sensitive and generous men and women had their own genius, a genius for connection. Often they were romantic. They entertained impossible idealism. They threw themselves whole-heartedly into relationships. What [psychiatric] medication offered them was autonomy, the ability to say no others and attend to the self."

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I am shamelessly stealing most of this from the book I'm currently in love with by Dr. Peter Kramer.

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Autonomy has long been an ideal of Western, and especially American, culture. America was founded on separation from its "mother" country, in the Declaration of Independence. The pioneer spirit romanticized aloneness. Emerson urged, "Insist on yourself," in all situations. Thoreau loved his self-sufficient (sort of) life in his log cabin with his vegetables, miles away from the nearest town. Now our society is increasingly mobile, making intense bonding risky.

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Critiquing the ideal of autonomy has fallen under the umbrella of feminist psychology. Beginning in the 1970s, people began labeling independence as a masculine ideal. Men in particular are encouraged to be emotionally independent, to value differentiation as the highest form of maturity. Women, on the other hand, find mutuality and connection an important part of their development. They tend to feel best through the give-and-take of connecting with others. This creates imbalance in heterosexual relationships, with men often de-valuing the genius of their partners' skills, and failing to appreciate the relational support that allows them to realize their self. It seems to me that many people who appear autonomous do subtle things that undermine others' confidence. Christianne Northrup mentions in Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom that many people also value functions associated with male brains: linear thinking, efficiency, conciseness. Femals brains, she says, tend to work in multiplicity, connecting emotions and language and goals all at once. Feminist writers challenged, even attacked, valuing differentiation above mutuality, and elevated connection to another axis of maturity.

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But "in this culture, to rely on a capacity for generosity, mutuality, and intimacy is dangerous, unless those talents are accompanied by highly independent judgment and the ability to walk away."

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That's exactly what many people now consider the ideal (like Harriet Lerner in The Dance of Intimacy): accepting difference and separateness, while staying emotionally present and connected. I feel like this sort of relating is the most difficult and most worthwhile way to live.

Little moments of glee

My 13 year-old client with the brilliant quote, "Life is gay," has had a couple other doosies (how does one spell doosies?):

"Wow, you are skinny for your age!" she told me. Any my personal favorite: "My therapist is cool. She knows about the world."


I have a 12 year-old girl who comes with her mom, and who clearly doesn't want to be there. Like she turns away from us and stares at the door. One time I told her, "You can leave if you want to," and she got up and left.

Her mom keeps making her come. So I tried a new tactic. I've been asking them both: what can the other person do to help you? The daughter says: "Leave me alone and stay off my back."

"Well mom, you've been wanting her to communicate with you. She's communicating: that she wants you off her back. So if you want her to be honest, you'll have to honestly accept what she says."

"Yeah mom, accept it!" She said--more than she had ever said of her own accord.

"And you," I said to her, "it looks like if you can do your part to fix things, your reward will be not having to come to therapy!"

Next thing I know we're all laughing.