Bio-psycho-whats-its-name

The more I dabble into psychopharmacology, the more I am convinced by the biology behind mood. Dr. Kramer will even say that many relationship problems can be traced to mood disorders--that a man who falls "out of love" with his wife is actually experiencing depression, or that a woman who leaves her husband for a thrilling new love affair has some form of mania. But the more you do that, the harder it is to trust yourself.

Several years ago, I made an appointment with my old therapist for a "tune-up." I was dismayed. "I had another panic attack," I said as soon as I sat down.

"Well, what was going on when you did? Where were you, what were you doing?" He asked.

"I was on a date, kind of. It was mortifying."

"Tell me about the date."

"We'd only gone out a couple times. I was driving, and we were in a place I don't know very well. We were trying to find a couple of his friends, so we could all go out. I was uncomfortable and I freaked out."

"And what did you do when you freaked out?"

"I took him home and went home."

He paused, and his eyes got wide. "So you were out at night with a guy you don't know very well, in a place you didn't know very well, about to meet up with other strangers. Seems to me that panic attack was the best thing that could have happened to you!"

He gave me a huge gift. He taught me to listen to my feelings and my physical reactions, that they were my friends, that they were sending me important messages and trying to protect me. I never forgot that moment. And I haven't had a panic attack since (knock on wood). It made me feel more whole. I no longer needed to fear the parts of my self that were hard to bear. I could move toward them instead of push them away.

I still want to believe that hard-to-bear stirrings in my heart are there for a reason, and that I should listen to them. I hold to my hope that they carry a deep wisdom, not just a defect. I kind of have to, anyway, or else I'd be out of a job. :)