A friend of mine is in love. He says he's never felt like this before. They have been e-mailing for a few weeks, then began talking on the phone last week. The first day he spoke to her (and saw her picture, he emphasized) he knew he was in love with her.
He moved from China a few years ago, in part to study and work, but also to mentally escape a previous relationship that ended badly. He's told me that people in China usually begin dating later than Americans--because of the emphasis on education, dating in high school is highly discouraged. I also get the sense that growing up, he was not as bombarded by love-as-entertainment as most of us were. I gleaned this astute conclusion from his utter enthrallment in that classic high-school love story, "The Hot Chick," as we watched it this morning. :) He tells me he's just now experiencing the innocent thrill of young love, five-hour phone conversations, and rushes of excitement that defy his carefully cultivated Ph.D.-in-biology logic.
They had their first argument during their fourth phone conversation. I tried to encourage him by insisting that conflict can be a good thing, when it begins to shape the edges of your fantasies with the truth of the other person. He thought for a second. "I like living in my dreams!" He responded.
Amen. Maybe he's someone who will live blissfully in his infatuation for a lifetime--I've certainly met people who seem to. From what I've read of research on couple success (which, like many things, the more you read the less you know), maintaining a rosy idealism of the other person is likely a fabulous idea.
Still, I become uncomfortable listening to him. I fear a long fall. At the same time, I smile wistfully at his unexamined earnestness, the enormity of his hope without the guardedness that many of us develop as we grow up (ha! Spoken like a wise 27-year-old!). I know many couples who married their first love. I wonder if that unguardedness is what made their bond so powerful and so resilient.
Well, let's ask him a few weeks. :)
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2 comments:
I had this same conversation w my therapist a few weeks ago, what's the harm in staying in the honeymoon phase? Im still maintaining the long-distance thing and it feels great when we're together; we've never had to battle any conflict, annoyance, or argument. Really. Its just bliss. However, I fear that once we move out of that having been there so long, reality will hit.
Adriana, that is wonderful! I am so happy for you!! Unfortunately it didn't go so blissfully for my friend...a few weeks later, his enthusiasm has subsided. He felt like she met his passion with suspicion. Maybe one day he'll get as lucky as you!
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