I sort of finished a thought!

A friend sent me this blog tonight, and it made me cry over my phone in my kitchen.

"Right now I am untethered and floating. I am surviving. I am moving forward one foot in front of the other, getting through the morning routine, getting through the days home alone with Fae, getting through dinner and bed time routines, all while trying to cherish them and be in the moment, all while exhausted, all while trying to give of myself to my kids, to my spouse, to my people, and give of myself to… myself. I’m running low on self and I miss old me..."

Oh man. That really hits home. For me, being a mom of two feels like life coming at me from every direction. Most of my brain is a blur. I miss writing edited blog posts, but now I will have to settle for stream-of-consciousness.

 

I grieve that I can't be there for anyone, friends or family, like I want to be. I grieve that we never really got to be a family of two or a family of three for long, because of medical school and residency.  Dean's smile lights up my heart, and then I ache to be there more for Coralie. I long for moments in a quiet, dark room...by myself.

 

The days get incrementally easier and there are more moments that I really do cherish. I'm grateful that I got to have an "old me" for so long. Because of where I live, and the era in which I live, I got to have an extended (if tormented) adolescence where I developed my self. I think about how through most of history women were married as teenagers and started doing this right away and knew no other life. So they didn't grieve that other life. But they also had others around all the time and did this communally. I reaped the rewards of  a "self" -centered society before I had kids, and now I feel the deep need for more community. 

I just visited my family in California. My sister spoke at her church about courage, and told her story of re-learning to walk because her body was so shaken after her second child. I realized I had NO IDEA what she went through at the time. Her whole life, I had no idea what she went through at each pivotal moment, and I was no help. In my life, she knew exactly what I was going through and she helped me tremendously. Such is the older sibling's burden.

Anyway. I'm rambling. Such is my heart, this moment. I am more aware now that that is all I can live. I stand at this intersection of space and time, right now, and that is all I have to live.