David Foster Wallace...

David Foster Wallace died Friday night of suicide at the age of 46. How terribly, incomprehensibly sad.

I didn't know him as well as others at Pomona, but from what I can see, his will be a rich and long-lasting legacy.

"But of course there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talk about in the great outside world of wanting and achieving... The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day.

That is real freedom. That is being educated, and understanding how to think. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the rat race, the constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing.

The capital-T Truth is about life BEFORE death." --DFW

May he rest in peace.

"Pre-rush-hour, post-rain-shower, stillness seeping upwards like steam..."

I am more emotional these days. Well, more acutely so.

This is a beautiful time for me. A grand time. Staring out into possibility, and in into silence. Each moment letting go into the next. Living in the prayer in between.

I sat on my neighbor's roof, watching the moon and the clouds surround the Agua volcano. Every day they are different. I sent out my admiration. I heard back:

"Your plans aren't what give you your next moment. I am."

I remember reading a little Heidegger in college, his painstaking analysis of the words for being in German. Being as coming-into-being. Being as becoming. Being as going-out-of-being. I remember a good friend once telling me about love, "It's not just loving who a person is. It's loving their becoming."

Nearing the end of the Pan-American road

My adorable apartment, and the Agua volcano.

The volcanoes Fuego (spouting smoke!!) and Acatenango, which I can also see from my apartment's terrace.

The view from my terrace.

Well.....

So you know that whole "Robo in Guate" thing? Yeah well it's going to end much sooner than I planned. About a year sooner, actually. I have one more month here. My last day of work is October 3rd, and I will leave Guate around the 8th.

It's kind of a long story....

Basically, I got the strong, consistent message from my spirit: "This isn't what I want."

Every time I say, "Well, okay then!" to that inner voice, everything in me thanks me. It's really amazing. Usually my heart will tell me what it wants and doesn't want, if I stop trying to argue with it. And now that I have listened to it, I feel like a whole new person. Vitality has returned to me. I can enjoy this city and each moment I have in it. I swear the world has more color. My heart feels lighter. It's like the stars aligned inside my soul.

What will become of this blog, I do not know...in the mean time, I'm just going to write whatever is going on in my head and heart.

Where will I go next? Is a great question. My heart says, "Somewhere in the general vicinity of Richmond, Virginia." :)

Who? Me.

I re-took the Myers-Briggs personality test (thanks, Facebook) yesterday (thanks, free time). Turns out my personality has changed! I am now an INFP. Googling myself, I find I am an idealist and a healer. So far so good. This site has my favorite description:

INFP: The Idealist

The INFP is a dreamy, imaginitive, idealist, capable of finding the good in anything or anyone, even something as foul as Newark, New Jersey. INFPs are sometimes dangerous to the well-being of society as a whole, as they are prone to adopting subversive and destructive ideologies like "The world should be fair," "People should treat one another well," and "You know, 'Friends' is a really, really stupid television show."

These irrational thought patterns may sometimes cause INFPs to run off and join the circus, the Resistance, or the Rebellion, where they tend to do well in any position requiring excellent hand-eye coordination or mastery of the Force.

COMPATIBILITY: INFPs and ISTJs generally exhibit a natural predator/prey relationship, which, though it might appear harsh and cruel from the outside, is all part of the natural cycle of life. In fact, were it not for the predation of the ISTJ, the population of INFPs would soon grow to unsustainable levels, overwhelming the ability of their ecological niche to support them.

Famous idealists include that girl in your sixth-grade homeroom who got the teacher fired for saying that girls aren't good at math; that guy in the cubicle next to yours who got the manager fired for saying that women don't make good employees; and Anais Nin.

Guest writer: John Mayer

No I'm not color blind;
I know the world is black and white.
Try to keep an open mind,
but...I just can't sleep on this tonight.

Stop this train.
I want to get off and go home again.
I can't take the speed it's moving in.
I know I can't,
But honestly, will someone stop this train?

Don't know how else to say it: don't want to see my parents go.
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own.

Stop this train.
I want to get off and go home again.
I can't take the speed it's moving in.
I know I can't, but honestly, won't someone stop this train.

Had a talk with my old man,
Said help me understand.
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate.
Don't stop this train,
Don't for a minute change the place you're in.
Don't think I couldn't ever understand.
I tried my hand,
John, honestly, we'll never stop this train.

Once in a while, when it's good,
It'll feel like it should.
And they're all still around,
And they're still safe and sound,
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark...

Singing, Stop this train.
I want to get off and go home again.
I can't take this speed it's moving in.
I know I can't,
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train.

A couple more

Happiness is...

Nicole and Coenn

Daddy and daughters

Look at that little face.

Here I am, in California. The evening is cool and cloudless. I spent the day with my sister and nieces, venturing to Toys-R-Us and trying to imitate Wall-E as precisely as possible. Coenn is beautiful and healthy, out of the NICU and growing fast. Ella is an expert in pirates and dinosaurs, and showers me with compliments as we do puzzles together. "You're really good at this!" She says.

Jason was with me for a week, and is now preparing to move to Virginia for his biochemistry program. He'll be essentially doing the first year of med school. I am so excited for him. His hard work is finally paying off.

I don't know what I did to deserve this life. But thank You. Thank You for the love all over my it. For my beautiful family and friends. For Jason, my oasis of sanity and peace and goodness.

It's funny how in such profound joy, I find my heart a little nervous, pleading, Please don't go away! Please let all this joy stick around!

A lesson in that old spiritual discipline of being-in-the-moment, I suppose. One psychologist I read described mental health as "the ability to relax when all is well."

"The opposite of fear is faith."