EMDR

"Both the left and right hemisphere may be conscious simultaneously in different, even mutually conflicting, mental experiences that run along in parallel." --Neuroscientist William Wolcott Sperry

I tried a kind of therapy called Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) today.

EMDR tries to address whatever we get "stuck" on inside--those things we can't stop ruminating about, or memories that haunt us, or emotional blockages--through the body as well as the mind. As the theory goes, entering those difficult feelings/images while juxtaposing physical stimulation can help to dislodge them, so they can be reprocessed.

I was pretty skeptical. The jury is still out in the mental health world about EMDR. But I was back in my desperation stage of insomnia, and I'm lucky enough to have a therapist who's trained in EMDR. She wasn't sure it would work for me, either.

It was not what I expected. I got surprisingly emotional. (Course I tend to do that on three hours of sleep--but maybe that made me especially open to EMDR.) I could feel that it unleashed feelings for me in a visceral way. It was like it got to things in my gut that I don't reach through my thoughts. It was altogether cathartic and uncomfortable and involuntary.

I saw more clearly that all the parts of my self are equally real: the part of me that has it together, and the part of me that does not. I tapped into a vat of emotion that runs alongside me as I go through my daily life attending to other things. I may at once think myself out of something and be subject to it.

"Who Needs Sleep?

Well, you're never gonna get it.

Who needs sleep?

Tell me what that's for.

Who needs sleep?

Be happy with what you're getting--

there's a guy who's been awake since the second World War."

I have been through many epochs in my relationship with insomnia.

Denial: "I'll just lie here and pretend I'm asleep and then maybe I really am..."

Anger: "Don't make me raise my hand at you, alarm clock."

Desperation: "Okay no really I'll try anything. You want me to count back from what with what farm animal?"

Bargaining: "Maybe just a half an Ambien? I can get you the money...how many can you prescribe?"

Avoidance: "If I don't think about it, it doesn't exist. That always works, right?"

Resignation. *yawn*

Despair.

And at times acceptance, turning into studious interest. I say to insomnia, "May as well get to know each other, right?"

I have learned a lot in my research. Here is a collection of fun facts.

-The ideal 8 hours of sleep is a bit of an arbitrary number. The number of hours someone needs can change all the time.

-Sleeping less isn't necessarily all that bad. In fact, people who get 7 hours often do better than people who get 9.

-Sleeping pills, on average, only give people 11 more minutes of sleep. You just forget the time you haven't slept.

-We're probably getting more sleep than we think. You know those nights where you're sort of dozing but don't think you've slept? You're probably in stage 2 sleep, where we all spend most of the night.

-Your body is pretty good at recovering sleep. If you don't sleep well one or two nights, you tend to have more deep sleep the next night.

-Mental health and sleep is just plain fascinating. Consider:

a) People with PTSD tend to have more Stage 1, Stage 2, and REM sleep, but less deep sleep. So even when they sleep, it's not the best quality.

b) People with depression tend to have more REM sleep. In one study, waking people up during REM sleep, so they got less of it, actually improved their depression.

-Those studies we hear about indicating health risks of less sleep, for the most part, are dubious. The benefits of exercise have WAY more evidence than the risks of losing sleep.

Something magical happened during our two-week trip to St. John: I slept like a hibernating stinkbug (did you know they hibernate?! They enter your house before the winter and then LEAVE IT IN THE SPRING) every night, even though it was loud and windy and hot. My take-away lesson can be summed up in The Value of an Easy 50.

When I was on the swim team in high school, we had grueling 2.5-hour practices. But every once in a while, whenever she felt like it, our coach would tell us to do an "easy 50." That meant we could take it easy and do whatever we felt like for 2 laps.

We relished easy 50s. We would take our sweet time floating on our backs, diving to the bottom, doing flips, and playing. Suddenly, swimming was fun again.

On our vacation, I spent all day, every day doing easy 50s. And lo and behold, I felt better than ever, and I slept. And I even lost a few pounds.

Now, when I'm swimming at the gym and start to hate my life, I take an easy 50, and I'm revitalized.

Lately, (shhhh don't scare it away) my sleep has been somewhat better. I've noticed a few things that have helped.

*Watching comedy before bed

*Purposely being in bed only 7 hours, so that I'm tired enough each day to fall asleep more quickly.

*Avoiding coffee (and weirdly, brownies) after 1pm.

*Telling myself any combination of the following phrases: "I don't have to figure anything out tonight." "I don't have to calm down. Whatever I feel is okay." "Who knows what will happen tomorrow? I don't." "I often feel fine no matter how much I sleep. It doesn't really matter." "Whatever I sleep is okay."

*I know people say not to take naps...but I find I fall asleep better if I take a nap, or at least some rest time, because I'm less wound up.

Course, other people like trazodone. :)

Dr. Wu

I just spent two weeks on St. John, one of the U.S. Virgin Islands. This is a picture of sunset at one of the beaches on the northern shore, called Cinnamon Bay.

The trip was full of all the bliss we hoped for--long days on the beach, endless snorkeling, a fun carnival, and lots of relaxation. There was one highlight, though, that stood out from the rest. His name was Dr. Wu.

Dr. Wu gave me the most satisfying chess game of my life. And believe me, that's saying a lot.

We first encountered him at the July 4th parade the island holds each year.

Amid the dancing, costumes, and steel drums, appeared a mysterious Asian man. He wore a kids' plastic fireman hat and Hawaiian shirt, and he snapped photos of everything in sight. He silently made his way into our tent, chain-smoking and stoically photographing. He walked into the parade and began taking pictures of another Asian family, and other scattered onlookers.

Needless to say, we talked about him for days. Maybe he was a spy? A creep? A looney? Then, a few evenings later, he emerged out of the darkness as we walked through town. One of us was wearing a checkered T-shirt. Without saying hello, he blurted out, "You have chess on your shirt! You play chess?"

We looked at each other, stifling nervous laughter. "I used to," Jason said, "But not lately..."

"Meet me in half an hour!" The man exclaimed.

"Sorry man, we're heading home..."

"Tomorrow! 4:30 to 7:30--Beach Bar--chess and jazz!" As he walked away, he pointed to himself and said, "Docta Wu!"

After we stopped laughing and could speak again, we realized we had to go. We had just been challenged.

We were there at 4:30 sharp, and he gave Jason a fist-bump as soon as we arrived. He sat by a stand full of pictures he was selling, which explained his creepy photography practices. He had posted this sign next to his pictures:

You can't read it very well, but two highlights are, "Mariah Carey pay me $50,000," and "Tell me the time and place, I will be there help me, help you show me the money." On the back he added another service: he can help you get a Chinese visa for $50. He was way better than we had even hoped.

After he finished his first game, I challenged him to a chess duel.

I asked him a little about himself. "What is your doctorate in?" "Psychology," he said.

"Oh really? I'm a therapist. What did you study?"

"Uhh, diseases and....symptoms..."

Mm hmm. Right. All we did learn about him: he's from Shanghai, plans to return in October, sits on the beach playing chess every day, and has a "future ex-wife."

A few moves in, he was already trash-talking.

Him: "You aren't aggressive enough! You're a chicken! Don't be a chicken! Here, I should just give you my queen and give you the advantage. Maybe then you'd have a chance."

Me: "Don't you analyze me. You don't know me. You haven't even lost to me yet."

Him: "Let's make a deal. You win, I give you this flower. You lose, you pay me two dollars."

Me: "Um, no. I'm not making that deal."

Him: "You do play pretty good for a woman."

Me: "Really? You're really gonna say that?"

All this just sharpened my desire to beat him. In the background, people were gathering to watch, Spain was hitting the final goal of the World Cup, and Dr. Wu was hustling Jason for money while smoking, shaking a rattle, and playing a harmonica. I was oblivious, focused by my killer instinct.

He was a lot of fun to play. He took risks, traded pieces, and dragged it out to the bitter end. At last, four pieces were on the board: his king and a pawn, and my king and queen. I went in for the kill, and I beat him. I don't mean some dumb stalemate or resignation--I'm talking checkmated him.

Victory!! I half expected the crowd to throw me on their shoulders and float me.

That was the last we saw of Dr. Wu. My pride, however, will last forever.

Telling the Story

I'm realizing the real beauty of the democratic system. It's not so much the power of each voter or each politician, but the power of hope and renewal.

Obama has been criticized for a failure of narrative since his presidency began. Though I still have faith that he's managing as well as anyone could, I agree with this criticism. During his campaign, he gave us a very real, very rare gift: vision. He reinvigorated our collective imagination for how the world could and should be. He helped us renew our hope that things can change, and that we have the ability to change them.

That is the true power of elections. They encourage us to clarify again and again what we believe as ideal, and what we want for ourselves. That continuous reimagining of an end that never comes is a beautiful thing, a driving life force, the essence of inspiration.

Obama hasn't been able to create an effective narrative--a stable story that enlivens our moral sensibilities--out of all the challenges he's facing.

"We still want to believe that Obama is on our side, willing to fight those bad corporate actors who cut corners and gambled recklessly while regulators slept, Congress raked in contributions, and we got stuck with the wreckage and the bills. But his leadership style keeps sowing confusion about his loyalties, puncturing holes in the powerful tale he could tell." Frank Rich, Don't Get Mad Mr. President, Get Even.

We've still got plenty of desire and outrage to fuel progress, we just need leadership to focus and direct us. Have we still got the guts of revolution?

Things that are making me happy right now

I've decided I need a happy entry. Thus, this entry. Please forgive my lack of complete sentences.

#1: Sunshine. Walking outside in the sunshine. Did you know exposure to sunlight helps you sleep better? I learned this from my very helpful and only slightly cheesy book: Say Goodnight to Insomnia.

#2: Walking into Whole Foods during the summer. Giant heaping mounds of more produce than I've ever heard of. Plus, signs that tell you whether it's organic, and where it came from. I bought a live basil plant! Live basil plant makes me happy.

#3: Learning a little more about makeup application from my beauty guru friends in California. I have not been keeping par with them on my beauty development. They're professionals.

#4: Every time a client says, "You helped me." It gets me every time. We do-gooders, it's like our crack. Once we have some, we want MORE MORE MORE.

#5: Walk-running in nature. Walk a song, run a song. Look at the nature. Very happy.

The Upside of Outrage

I've decided to give my $.02 worth re: the abuse scandal.

It's just, you know, that old "dialectic of trauma," as they say.

I once saw a high-school kid who got in trouble for sexually assaulting a girl. There are security cameras at his school, so the administrators could see the whole thing: him pinning her down with his hand up her shirt. His punishment? He had to write a letter of apology and swear before a judge that he wouldn't commit any crimes for at least 90 days.

His furious school counselor compared his case to another student who was caught with marijuana. That kid was suspended for five days and required to do hours of community service. What is wrong with this picture?

Judith Herman in Trauma and Recovery calls it the "dialectic of trauma": the coexistence and interplay of opposites. Something may be too terrible to remember, and too terrible to forget. When the truth is told, it meets overwhelming pressure to return to silence.

Within the individual, PTSD sympoms occur in this way. A person alternates between numbing and overwhelm, amnesia and intrusive images, avoidance and remembering. In a family, this can play out among family members. Some individuals may deny and some support. They may acknowledge what happened but deflect blame. Whole countries often function like this. They might recognize heinous acts, but fail to bring perpetrators to justice. Authorities may apologize, but fail to listen and care for survivors. When it comes to sexual crimes (among many others), the pressure to minimize, ignore, shift responsibility, make excuses, scrutinize the victim, or identify with the perpetrator is enormous.

See: Freud changing his position on hysteria. At first, he concluded hysteria resulted from sexual abuse. Then, after extreme pressure from his contemporaries, he changed his position. He decided it resulted from girls fantasizing about sex with their fathers. Then over a century went by, until the waves of feminism fought to bring the truth about sexual crimes to light.

I'm encouraged to see the world responding with so much outrage. If anything, victims are being heard, and the world is becoming more educated on sexual abuse. Punishing these priests is crucial, of course. But in many cases, the criminal justice system can do damage of its own--it's not enough. Consciousness raising is just as essential, and that's what's happening now. Sexually abused men and boys, a particularly silenced and stigmatized group, are receiving support all over the world.

Seeking Justice For Campus Rapes: An NPR News Investigation March 1st, 2010

I heard this special on NPR recently about how sexual assault cases are handled on college campuses. Many colleges and universities have their own tribunals, made up of students and staff, which handle decisions about disciplinary action at their schools. Often, sexual assault reports are handled by these tribunals. In a review of hundreds of cases throughout the U.S., very few students who committed sexual assaults were expelled.


The report speculated that the education system might view many situations as "teaching moments." One victim interviewed said a member of her school's tribunal encouraged her to have compassion for her rapist, who had struggled with alcohol abuse--maybe this situation would push him finally to turn his life around. As a result, the girl eventually dropped out of school because she couldn't bear to be on the same campus as the man who raped her.

Maybe the clergy clings to the hope that sex criminals can be forgiven and recuperated. It's a staggeringly deluded position. Show me a sex criminal with a recuperable moral compass and I'll show you a thousand men in and out of jail and recovery programs. But it's a position that many people--well, many men--desperately cling to. Men defending men is nothing new. Now we see just how many men who call themselves moral authorities, who claim to devote their lives to God, are no different.

The scandal is profoundly tragic, and the Church's response nauseating. That response seems to me not surprising, as sad as that is. But if there's an upside, it's this: the fruit of outrage is action and understanding and change.

Robin's Rules for Healthy Living

Yesterday my coworker announced happily that she had eaten chips for breakfast, and oddly enough was not hungry for lunch. I had bitten my tongue one too many times--I couldn't hold back this time, and I started mouthing off unsolicited advice about health. I decided I needed to channel my soapbox into the world's universal soapbox receptacle, the blog.

Thus, here are my rules for healthy living and healthy weight. I'm no scientist or nutritionist or personal trainer, so do I really know what I'm talking about? No! My only credentials are that I have stayed at the same weight, more or less, since I was 14. Also, I am obsessively interested in the subject and read about it voraciously. Also, I have developed very strong opinions.


Rule #1: Don't worry about it too much.

Without fail, every time I start to worry about my weight, I get stressed out and make myself miserable. And usually I gain a couple pounds. It's tragic how obsessed most women are with weight and body image. It's hard to escape! All that worry and guilt and fear and anxiety does IMMENSE damage to a person's quality of life. My philosophy is: trust your body to tell you what it needs. Some days you might need more food, some days less. Focus on health, not thinness. The more I do that, the easier it is to be in touch with my body's messages. Bodies are amazing! Relax and enjoy yours! Eat and love it! It's all about pleasure! Which leads me to rule #2...

Rule #2: Eat. All the time. When you're hungry, and even when you're not.

I am convinced that going hungry for any length of time (read: 15 mins) causes my adrenal glands to kick in my stress response, making my hormone levels react as if I were being chased by a leopard. I also think going hungry teaches your body to conserve calories and slow your metabolism. For that reason, I eat constantly. Really. Like every 2-3 hours. From the moment I wake up, and before I go to bed. People talk about 6 small meals instead of 3 large ones...I don't think about it that much or measure the calories. I eat the right amount to satsify me now and make me hungry again in 3 hours.

Rule #2: Keep your blood sugar steady all day.

This one makes my blood boil with passion! I feel very strongly about this. Every time my coworker says, "I ate too many donuts, I can't have dinner!" it pains me deep in my heart. If you're going to eat cheesecake, eat it and eat your dinner too!! You'll consume more calories in the short run, yes. But you'll be satisfied, which will make you less likely to binge later. Plus, you'll get the nutrition you need which HELLO is always most important! If you eat junk on its own, your blood sugar spikes and falls and insulin kicks in to lock down the fat. Blood sugar oscillations cause all sorts of problems: moodiness, low energy, weight gain--and I'm convinced it plays a role in depression, anxiety and many other problems.

Rule #3: Eating healthy food is really worth it.

The more I do it, the better I feel. There's no way around it. And the more I do it, the more I notice how bad junk food makes me feel. It's gotten easier to avoid fast food. I do follow the usual rules. I eat mainly whole grains, various fruits and vegetables (organic is usually worth it too), lots of legumes (they keep you full!), dark chocolate (my midmorning snack), some dairy, probably too much soy, and occasional meat (I try to get grass fed...). I pay attention to fiber and protein. But...

Rule #4: Overeating is okay sometimes!

Honestly, I eat a lot. Sometimes I overeat. I have convinced myself that doing that occasionally, in addition to making me happy, keeps my metabolism higher. (Caveat: I overeat on good or only moderately-bad things, like Indian buffets.) Though during the week I usually pay attention to portion size.

Rule #5: Yes, okay, exercise.

No way around this one either. Exercise is a damn miracle. Miracle! I wish I could bottle up how much pleasure it gives me and sell it to others. I've been reading that exercise is more important than sleep when it comes to mental and physical health. I highly encourage mixing it up: I do cardio, weights, yoga, swimming, occasional running, occasional classes...whatever mood I'm in. I think the biggest effect on weight comes from weight lifting and yoga. Try doing bow pose with a full stomach and you'll never want to do it again! But it's the endorphines from cardio that keep me hooked.

And a few miscellaneous tips:

• Sugar is not the end of the world. If you eat something bad, drink lots of water. And eat some protein. My favorite is low-fat cottage cheese.
• Buy low-fat instead of non-fat, for many items. Low-fat still tends to have normal ingredients. Non-fat often adds sugar and exhorbitant unpronounceable ingredients. One study I read said eating whole dairy instead of non-fat (or even low-fat) correlates with higher fertility. Who knew.
• DEFINITELY avoid high-fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated oils NO REALLY THEY'RE AWFUL BUT THEY'RE IN EVERYTHING IT'S REALLY FRUSTRATING!
• Good fat!! Trust me!! Olive oil, avocadoes, walnuts and almonds, salmon, flaxseed--so fabulous! You won't gain weight like you will from white bread! Try to eat more good fat than bad. It will fill you up, and I swear it infuses you with vitality.

If you made it all the way through this, thank you for entertaining my kinda-weirdly-strong opinions. :)