The Making of a Therapist

I am slowly preparing to leave my job, and I've begun telling a few of my longer-term clients that I'll be leaving in June. In preparation for my departure, I've decided to start a new series about my first years as a therapist. My heart is brimming with things I've learned, special moments with clients, questions and musings.

I told one of my longest-running clients yesterday. She's been coming for over a year and a half. She came in because of marital problems: her husband was psychologically abusive, mean, ornery, and generally a brute. She worked herself to the bone cleaning houses because he wouldn't help with any of their household costs. She was miserable. We tried a million things with her husband, to no avail, so we focused on helping her emotionally cope. A survivor of loss and abuse, she felt what helped her most was learning to maintain her emotional independence--not to let him "dominate my mind," not to react. We had all but given up on him, and we were working on helping her leave. As an undocumented immigrant, that turned out to be way more difficult than we anticipated.

Then, almost overnight, he changed. He was diagnosed with diabetes, and started turning his life around. He began helping with costs, childcare, and household tasks. He stopped yelling. His mood improved. He even went to work with her to help her clean houses. He started bringing the family to church. We were both shocked. "I ask him, 'Where did this new husband come from? Has he been hiding in the basement?'" She says. He blew our expectations wide open.

When I told her I was leaving, she teared up. "You have no idea how much you helped me," she said. "You really listened to me. I mean, I know that's your job, but I could feel that you really listened as a person, as a human being. No one ever does that. Family doesn't do that. Everyone always has their opinions and judgments. I can't tell you how much you helped me."

I was fighting back tears myself. Once in a while, life drops me into a moment like that--real. Frozen in time.

I think that's the #1 thing I've learned: that I should never underestimate the power of pure, unadulturated, supportive listening. When asked what they're looking for, and what has helped the most, that's what most clients say.