Telling the Story

I'm realizing the real beauty of the democratic system. It's not so much the power of each voter or each politician, but the power of hope and renewal.

Obama has been criticized for a failure of narrative since his presidency began. Though I still have faith that he's managing as well as anyone could, I agree with this criticism. During his campaign, he gave us a very real, very rare gift: vision. He reinvigorated our collective imagination for how the world could and should be. He helped us renew our hope that things can change, and that we have the ability to change them.

That is the true power of elections. They encourage us to clarify again and again what we believe as ideal, and what we want for ourselves. That continuous reimagining of an end that never comes is a beautiful thing, a driving life force, the essence of inspiration.

Obama hasn't been able to create an effective narrative--a stable story that enlivens our moral sensibilities--out of all the challenges he's facing.

"We still want to believe that Obama is on our side, willing to fight those bad corporate actors who cut corners and gambled recklessly while regulators slept, Congress raked in contributions, and we got stuck with the wreckage and the bills. But his leadership style keeps sowing confusion about his loyalties, puncturing holes in the powerful tale he could tell." Frank Rich, Don't Get Mad Mr. President, Get Even.

We've still got plenty of desire and outrage to fuel progress, we just need leadership to focus and direct us. Have we still got the guts of revolution?

Things that are making me happy right now

I've decided I need a happy entry. Thus, this entry. Please forgive my lack of complete sentences.

#1: Sunshine. Walking outside in the sunshine. Did you know exposure to sunlight helps you sleep better? I learned this from my very helpful and only slightly cheesy book: Say Goodnight to Insomnia.

#2: Walking into Whole Foods during the summer. Giant heaping mounds of more produce than I've ever heard of. Plus, signs that tell you whether it's organic, and where it came from. I bought a live basil plant! Live basil plant makes me happy.

#3: Learning a little more about makeup application from my beauty guru friends in California. I have not been keeping par with them on my beauty development. They're professionals.

#4: Every time a client says, "You helped me." It gets me every time. We do-gooders, it's like our crack. Once we have some, we want MORE MORE MORE.

#5: Walk-running in nature. Walk a song, run a song. Look at the nature. Very happy.

The Upside of Outrage

I've decided to give my $.02 worth re: the abuse scandal.

It's just, you know, that old "dialectic of trauma," as they say.

I once saw a high-school kid who got in trouble for sexually assaulting a girl. There are security cameras at his school, so the administrators could see the whole thing: him pinning her down with his hand up her shirt. His punishment? He had to write a letter of apology and swear before a judge that he wouldn't commit any crimes for at least 90 days.

His furious school counselor compared his case to another student who was caught with marijuana. That kid was suspended for five days and required to do hours of community service. What is wrong with this picture?

Judith Herman in Trauma and Recovery calls it the "dialectic of trauma": the coexistence and interplay of opposites. Something may be too terrible to remember, and too terrible to forget. When the truth is told, it meets overwhelming pressure to return to silence.

Within the individual, PTSD sympoms occur in this way. A person alternates between numbing and overwhelm, amnesia and intrusive images, avoidance and remembering. In a family, this can play out among family members. Some individuals may deny and some support. They may acknowledge what happened but deflect blame. Whole countries often function like this. They might recognize heinous acts, but fail to bring perpetrators to justice. Authorities may apologize, but fail to listen and care for survivors. When it comes to sexual crimes (among many others), the pressure to minimize, ignore, shift responsibility, make excuses, scrutinize the victim, or identify with the perpetrator is enormous.

See: Freud changing his position on hysteria. At first, he concluded hysteria resulted from sexual abuse. Then, after extreme pressure from his contemporaries, he changed his position. He decided it resulted from girls fantasizing about sex with their fathers. Then over a century went by, until the waves of feminism fought to bring the truth about sexual crimes to light.

I'm encouraged to see the world responding with so much outrage. If anything, victims are being heard, and the world is becoming more educated on sexual abuse. Punishing these priests is crucial, of course. But in many cases, the criminal justice system can do damage of its own--it's not enough. Consciousness raising is just as essential, and that's what's happening now. Sexually abused men and boys, a particularly silenced and stigmatized group, are receiving support all over the world.

Seeking Justice For Campus Rapes: An NPR News Investigation March 1st, 2010

I heard this special on NPR recently about how sexual assault cases are handled on college campuses. Many colleges and universities have their own tribunals, made up of students and staff, which handle decisions about disciplinary action at their schools. Often, sexual assault reports are handled by these tribunals. In a review of hundreds of cases throughout the U.S., very few students who committed sexual assaults were expelled.


The report speculated that the education system might view many situations as "teaching moments." One victim interviewed said a member of her school's tribunal encouraged her to have compassion for her rapist, who had struggled with alcohol abuse--maybe this situation would push him finally to turn his life around. As a result, the girl eventually dropped out of school because she couldn't bear to be on the same campus as the man who raped her.

Maybe the clergy clings to the hope that sex criminals can be forgiven and recuperated. It's a staggeringly deluded position. Show me a sex criminal with a recuperable moral compass and I'll show you a thousand men in and out of jail and recovery programs. But it's a position that many people--well, many men--desperately cling to. Men defending men is nothing new. Now we see just how many men who call themselves moral authorities, who claim to devote their lives to God, are no different.

The scandal is profoundly tragic, and the Church's response nauseating. That response seems to me not surprising, as sad as that is. But if there's an upside, it's this: the fruit of outrage is action and understanding and change.

Robin's Rules for Healthy Living

Yesterday my coworker announced happily that she had eaten chips for breakfast, and oddly enough was not hungry for lunch. I had bitten my tongue one too many times--I couldn't hold back this time, and I started mouthing off unsolicited advice about health. I decided I needed to channel my soapbox into the world's universal soapbox receptacle, the blog.

Thus, here are my rules for healthy living and healthy weight. I'm no scientist or nutritionist or personal trainer, so do I really know what I'm talking about? No! My only credentials are that I have stayed at the same weight, more or less, since I was 14. Also, I am obsessively interested in the subject and read about it voraciously. Also, I have developed very strong opinions.


Rule #1: Don't worry about it too much.

Without fail, every time I start to worry about my weight, I get stressed out and make myself miserable. And usually I gain a couple pounds. It's tragic how obsessed most women are with weight and body image. It's hard to escape! All that worry and guilt and fear and anxiety does IMMENSE damage to a person's quality of life. My philosophy is: trust your body to tell you what it needs. Some days you might need more food, some days less. Focus on health, not thinness. The more I do that, the easier it is to be in touch with my body's messages. Bodies are amazing! Relax and enjoy yours! Eat and love it! It's all about pleasure! Which leads me to rule #2...

Rule #2: Eat. All the time. When you're hungry, and even when you're not.

I am convinced that going hungry for any length of time (read: 15 mins) causes my adrenal glands to kick in my stress response, making my hormone levels react as if I were being chased by a leopard. I also think going hungry teaches your body to conserve calories and slow your metabolism. For that reason, I eat constantly. Really. Like every 2-3 hours. From the moment I wake up, and before I go to bed. People talk about 6 small meals instead of 3 large ones...I don't think about it that much or measure the calories. I eat the right amount to satsify me now and make me hungry again in 3 hours.

Rule #2: Keep your blood sugar steady all day.

This one makes my blood boil with passion! I feel very strongly about this. Every time my coworker says, "I ate too many donuts, I can't have dinner!" it pains me deep in my heart. If you're going to eat cheesecake, eat it and eat your dinner too!! You'll consume more calories in the short run, yes. But you'll be satisfied, which will make you less likely to binge later. Plus, you'll get the nutrition you need which HELLO is always most important! If you eat junk on its own, your blood sugar spikes and falls and insulin kicks in to lock down the fat. Blood sugar oscillations cause all sorts of problems: moodiness, low energy, weight gain--and I'm convinced it plays a role in depression, anxiety and many other problems.

Rule #3: Eating healthy food is really worth it.

The more I do it, the better I feel. There's no way around it. And the more I do it, the more I notice how bad junk food makes me feel. It's gotten easier to avoid fast food. I do follow the usual rules. I eat mainly whole grains, various fruits and vegetables (organic is usually worth it too), lots of legumes (they keep you full!), dark chocolate (my midmorning snack), some dairy, probably too much soy, and occasional meat (I try to get grass fed...). I pay attention to fiber and protein. But...

Rule #4: Overeating is okay sometimes!

Honestly, I eat a lot. Sometimes I overeat. I have convinced myself that doing that occasionally, in addition to making me happy, keeps my metabolism higher. (Caveat: I overeat on good or only moderately-bad things, like Indian buffets.) Though during the week I usually pay attention to portion size.

Rule #5: Yes, okay, exercise.

No way around this one either. Exercise is a damn miracle. Miracle! I wish I could bottle up how much pleasure it gives me and sell it to others. I've been reading that exercise is more important than sleep when it comes to mental and physical health. I highly encourage mixing it up: I do cardio, weights, yoga, swimming, occasional running, occasional classes...whatever mood I'm in. I think the biggest effect on weight comes from weight lifting and yoga. Try doing bow pose with a full stomach and you'll never want to do it again! But it's the endorphines from cardio that keep me hooked.

And a few miscellaneous tips:

• Sugar is not the end of the world. If you eat something bad, drink lots of water. And eat some protein. My favorite is low-fat cottage cheese.
• Buy low-fat instead of non-fat, for many items. Low-fat still tends to have normal ingredients. Non-fat often adds sugar and exhorbitant unpronounceable ingredients. One study I read said eating whole dairy instead of non-fat (or even low-fat) correlates with higher fertility. Who knew.
• DEFINITELY avoid high-fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated oils NO REALLY THEY'RE AWFUL BUT THEY'RE IN EVERYTHING IT'S REALLY FRUSTRATING!
• Good fat!! Trust me!! Olive oil, avocadoes, walnuts and almonds, salmon, flaxseed--so fabulous! You won't gain weight like you will from white bread! Try to eat more good fat than bad. It will fill you up, and I swear it infuses you with vitality.

If you made it all the way through this, thank you for entertaining my kinda-weirdly-strong opinions. :)

In Search of Comfort

"Many traditional cultures regard the self in different terms — as inseparable from your role in your kinship group, intertwined with the story of your ancestry and permeable to the spirit world."

In my head, I know the cultural differences between my clients and me are a big deal, but most of the time I go around blissfully believing I can still be of help. But then I read the recent New York Times article: "The Americanization of Mental Illness."

Offering the latest Western mental-health theories, treatments and categories in an attempt to ameliorate the psychological stress sparked by modernization and globalization is not a solution; it may be part of the problem. When we undermine local conceptions of the self and modes of healing, we may be speeding along the disorienting changes that are at the very heart of much of the world’s mental distress.

Whew. I had just spent an hour with a the client my supervisor and I affectionally call "Eeyore," because of his persistent gloominess. He was telling me another infuriating story about his boss, and his inability to stand up for himself. I was encouraging him to respond to the ever-so-ethusiastic lessons about assertiveness we've been repeating for the last year. Both of us were frustrated, so I tried to dig deeper.

"I get the sense you feel too helpless to be assertive," I said. "You think you have no control over what happens to you, or what people demand from you. But you have more power than you think you do! You have the right to ask for things and to say no to things. Give it a try!"

Spoken like a true child of the Enlightenment. I stood squarely in my Anglo-American view of the self, dripping with the assumption that we are captains of our own destinies.

Of course he felt helpless! He's from Guatemala--a place where you damn sure choose your battles wisely, to say the least.

As often as I can, I try to own my contingent perspective. I'll say things like, "I know leaving home and building independence is more of an American ideal. Tell me what you think and what it means for you." Or, "I hear you saying that it's normal for you to hit your kids. But here, it's illegal. And to my ears, it's a big deal." And for God's sake, don't even get me started on the sticky conversations about feminism. Even the language is flagranty sexist. The word for "handcuffs" is "esposas," or "wives." The word for "helpless" is "impotente."

My clients are reticent, if not suspicious, of their providers' beliefs about mental health. Most fear medications might cause more harm than good. Many think it's just as likely that their problems are caused by spiritual forces, witchery, psychic ability or a thousand other things, and that the cure might be food, sex, herbs, rituals, ice-cold water baths, or none at all. I spend many a well-meaning session explaining mental illness as a medical condition. "It's like diabetes or hypertension," I often say. I am one of many who hope this "disease explanation" will reduce stigma.

This article says the opposite. In many non-Western countries, people with mental illnesses fare much better. The author mentions a few studies where people who accepted the disease explanation actually treated sufferers worse. "Our most remarkable scientific leaps in understanding the brain haven’t yet created the sorts of cultural stories from which humans take comfort and meaning."

Science is our dominant ideology. Our very country is born from the rational secularism that asserted itself in opposition to the Church throughout the 18th century. According to Judith Herman in Trauma and Recovery, scientific interest in "hysteria" began with Jean Martin Charcot, Freud's teacher, as part of the French republican political agenda.

To me the purist disease explanation is, well, depressing. It strips emotional experiences of their complexity and meaning. It infuses profound feelings with a sort of nihilistic emptiness. Many studies read like a slow, meticulous "boiling down" of people's inner worlds.

As the article says, viewing mental illness through others' eyes, we start to look pretty sad and fearful. "We are investing our great wealth in researching and treating mental illness — medicalizing ever larger swaths of human experience — because we have rather suddenly lost older belief systems that once gave meaning and context to mental suffering."

I'm reminded of just how wholeheartedly I need to live in the dissonance between me and my clients. It's a challenge to know when to maintain their narratives, or to consider altering mine. What's common between us is a fervent search to find what's helpful, and preserve all the meaning we can.

Young Love...(post-Ph.D.)

A friend of mine is in love. He says he's never felt like this before. They have been e-mailing for a few weeks, then began talking on the phone last week. The first day he spoke to her (and saw her picture, he emphasized) he knew he was in love with her.

He moved from China a few years ago, in part to study and work, but also to mentally escape a previous relationship that ended badly. He's told me that people in China usually begin dating later than Americans--because of the emphasis on education, dating in high school is highly discouraged. I also get the sense that growing up, he was not as bombarded by love-as-entertainment as most of us were. I gleaned this astute conclusion from his utter enthrallment in that classic high-school love story, "The Hot Chick," as we watched it this morning. :) He tells me he's just now experiencing the innocent thrill of young love, five-hour phone conversations, and rushes of excitement that defy his carefully cultivated Ph.D.-in-biology logic.

They had their first argument during their fourth phone conversation. I tried to encourage him by insisting that conflict can be a good thing, when it begins to shape the edges of your fantasies with the truth of the other person. He thought for a second. "I like living in my dreams!" He responded.

Amen. Maybe he's someone who will live blissfully in his infatuation for a lifetime--I've certainly met people who seem to. From what I've read of research on couple success (which, like many things, the more you read the less you know), maintaining a rosy idealism of the other person is likely a fabulous idea.

Still, I become uncomfortable listening to him. I fear a long fall. At the same time, I smile wistfully at his unexamined earnestness, the enormity of his hope without the guardedness that many of us develop as we grow up (ha! Spoken like a wise 27-year-old!). I know many couples who married their first love. I wonder if that unguardedness is what made their bond so powerful and so resilient.

Well, let's ask him a few weeks. :)

My first case

You wear mostly neutral colors: whites, grays, browns and blacks. Your face is pale and tired. It is hard to get a sense of you at first: you speak mostly of strange dreams, and of your efforts to get pregnant. Your social worker fears you may be depressed. You tell me you're afraid your boyfriend will leave you if you can't have children. You have been to doctors, healers, herbalists. You may have been pregnant once, as a girl, but your boyfriend's parents forced you to get an abortion--though no one ever did a pregnancy test. "I'm from Mexico," is your explanation. You later married that boyfriend.

I record your affect as "down" rather than "sad"--in fact you look as if everything about you were falling downward. You voice is flat, you do not cry, and you speak little of how you feel. The first couple of months your attendance is sporadic. I decide to tell you I think our work would be more successful if you came to see me more often. I worry my pressure may push you away.

But you come to your next session, and you keep coming. I say, "We haven't talked much about your history, your childhood..." and all at once, you divulge to me your absent parents, your caretaking role for five brothers, the multiple people who sexually abused you. Your husband couldn't make love to you after you married. You list your many efforts to save your marriage. Your sadness materializes not when you discuss your husband's multiple affairs, but when you describe how grieved he was at his own predicament.

My supervisor points out that my insistence, perhaps, was what you needed. I let you know you were important.

My instinct with you is to step back, to allow you space. For a while, it is as if I'm speaking to a self who's not yet there with us. She betrays herself in little peeks. Once, you say, you punched one of your husband's mistresses. I smile in surprise, and you smile too, before telling me you later apologized.

You start to recall things you had forgotten, like the "healer" who also abused you--and I'm relieved to see you scowl in anger.

"What is wrong with people who do that? Are they sick?" You ask me.

Good question, I say. Certainly something is wrong with them.

Patriarchy stares at me straight-faced. Alive and well.

"Am I getting better?" You ask.

Good question, I say. What is 'better'?

As time passes, you seem slowly to come to life. You show up wearing exercise outfits. Your posture straightens, your face brightens. You make more eye contact. You take a new stance with your boyfriend, weighing his strengths and his faults, considering whether you want to be with him. You see him as immature. I offer that he may rely on the caretaking you provide. You say Yes, he never had a mother...and a swell of power rises in you. Quickly, you get way ahead of me in your insights. I try to reflect back the woman I see emerging.

Soon you don't really need me to say much anymore--you even interrupt me when I speak.

That's when I think you're getting better.