Burn, baby, burn

My work had a lunch for me yesterday...my last day is Wednesday! Holy gaboly. I will miss this place and these wonderful people.

Many of you, dear readers, are in helping professions like I am. You are social workers, teachers, ministers, parents, volunteers. To all of you, I want to offer sympathy and warning. Two words: BURN OUT.

Maybe it won’t happen for you. I didn’t think it would for me, either. Even last October, I was fantastically happy with my work. I felt like I couldn’t create a more perfect job for myself if I tried.

My first warning: beware the promotion.

It was a whirlwind. First, I had to fire a woman I had tried to stick up for. I’m still getting over the feeling of being part of the hostility of the universe.

Then, I began to supervise 7 people and manage our program. The message I got from management was that our program was in a bad state, or work was in question, and it was up to me to fix things.

All the while, I still had my old job, managing a caseload of over 200 people, many of whom were dealing with hardships and trauma. Needless to say, I felt like I was lying face-down over a new pile of quicksand.

It wasn’t long before I desperately needed to get out. It hit me hard to feel such total loss of support, that our entire program (in which I had invested my heart and soul) was in question, that my work was no longer seen as important and valued, while witnessing so many people in need of help. Honestly, I haven’t had the same emotional or energy resources since.

Most of all, it stung me that even at my best, calling on all my dedication and energy and problem-solving skills, I couldn’t do a good enough job—even at taking care of myself well enough to keep going. I suppose most of us would like to believe we have complete control over the processes we go through. I’d like to believe that if I’m strong enough, or rational enough, or set good enough boundaries, or don’t think about myself too much, I can avoid these feelings. Well, ha! I say. Aren’t you funny!

My supervisor called it “vicarious traumatization.” It is very real. My advice: Watch out for yourselves! Make sure you’re in an environment with enough support and structure to cushion the hard work that you do. And if you do experience it, it’s not your fault! In my experience, the best thing you can do is accept it and allow it to change you. Then do what you need to do to restore your resources and your hope—we can’t afford to lose them.