The Monkey Mind

It´s interesting to see what happens when you´re alone with your brain for long periods of time. That´s the boat I´m in at the moment. It´s been a while since I´ve been there--usually I am adept at over-busying myself.

At the same time, I´ve been trying to learn how to meditate. It all started with that blasted Eat, Pray, Love. That´s how it starts. First the Oprah book, then the dabbling in buddhism for westerners. Next thing you know you´re buying The Bhagavad Gita and spiritual audiocassettes. Or maybe that´s just me.

In any case, all this has conspired to make me even more aware than usual of my ¨monkey mind.¨ I may or may not recommend it.

There is a certain parental amusement in observing its ups and and downs, the way it latches on to things, the way it´s constantly evaluating, planning, analyzing, interpreting. I notice that my brain pretty much constantly writes its own self-help book. There´s a commentary running through the background of my life: ¨How am I doing? How can I be doing better? There must be something I should be doing better. Oh yes, there´s one. ¨ If I´m not doing something edifying, I feel I must be thinking something edifying. The plight of the overachiever, I suppose. I would love to have more moments that were totally devoid of meaning. Where I wasn´t thinking, ¨What does this say about me? Where will this lead?¨

So far, awareness and meditation aren´t quite doing it for me. I want someone greater than myself involved...to listen to, to open myself to. When I try to do that, more happens for me.

Sometimes I feel like I get messages. I get a lot of, ¨Just wait. Just listen. Wait to hear from Me.¨
And, ¨Open yourself to the possibility that you don´t know crap.¨ In so many words.
Sometimes I get the kind of messages I´m looking for. Like, ¨Will you forgive yourself for being young and inexperienced and not knowing what you´re doing?¨
But more often it´s more like, ¨All those things you think, they´re yours. You made them up. Suspend them. I´ve got better things to tell you. And show you.¨