--Shakespeare, The Winter's Tale
I have learned a lot from these others therapists. Since I'm about to be one, I've been paying attention, making mental notes of what to do and what not to do.
Maybe because of my work in domestic violence, maybe because of personal experience, maybe because of my specific education, I have become sensitized to things like condescension, pejorative language, attempts to re-define others' reality, all the many ways people can grasp for power. Therapists, I think, have an obligation to be hyper-aware of those dyamics so as to dominate as little as possible.
So that social worker I mentioned who talked about himself the whole time? He called me AT WORK the other day. He said he "felt bad" about how our visit went and how it ended, and he offered to take me to lunch. I e-mailed him with two main points: 1) I am shopping around for therapists because I think that's important, and I just felt like we weren't a good match. 2) I prioritize boundaries and I'm uncomfortable with him calling me at work, offering to take me to lunch, etc.
All of my interaction with him felt slightly invasive. He demanded a lot of personal information. He demanded payment even though I insisted he send me a bill. When I wanted to leave early, he didn't want to let me. I half-expected him to run out the door after me. We talked more about him than about me--I felt that he took what I said and re-interpreted it into his experience. Finding my work number (which I hadn't given him) and insisting I talk to him continued those invasive feelings.
His reply fascinates me. I am going to do a close reading. :)
Thanks, Robin for your reply and candidness.I apologize for phoning at work, and respect that.
His "Thanks" diffuses tension, extends an olive branch of sorts. He acknowledges that phoning at work was inappropriate, though he should have stopped there. He respects...what? That I am uncomfortable? That I set a boundary? Is this the first time he's been told these actions are not okay? Just like in our meeting, I feel that I have to watch him. Set rules for him.
I have worked with several MSWs and psychologists, and shopping for fit is taking care of yourself.
The logic of this sentence is hard to follow. He could be saying that he's been treated by various therapists, or that he has learned from other therapists that shopping around is a good idea. I think he's saying: 1) I'm not the first MSW he's treated. If that's what he means, this is a defensive move meant to lend him credibility. 2) He approves of "shopping for fit." He states this as if he were authority on the issue, not me.
I'm pleased to hear you're getting the support from others. I got off from your sharing your pain, anxieties, etc. and unburdening yourself, and I regret that.
Except for the whole "got off" comment (wtf??), this sentence conveys the intention of his contact. He is trying to assuage his own feelings of regret, and probably failure.
I sense working with you on two levels, as a therapist, and the second as younger-older colleagues.
NO NO NO! I did not pay you to be my colleague. I paid you to be my therapist. Dual relationships just scream ethics violations. And besides that, mentioning the "younger-older" descriptor is another move to establish his authority.
I was uncomfortable with the way we ended on Monday, and offered that lunch to reach a closure which seems to have come from the phone call and this e-mail.
Just like in our meeting, it's not about me. It's about him. He wants closure. He is uncomfortable. Now he tells me he feels better. We've paid little attention to how I feel. I got closure the moment I walked out of his office.
My best wishes for your important work, and you. I appreciate what you are doing.
I know his intentions are good, and all of this inappropriateness is not conscious. Unconscious blindness is in some ways the most dangerous kind. He has managed to tell me a lot about himself that I'm sure he didn't intend to.
As I start my work, I am grateful to him for giving me a renewed sense of vigilance in my self-awareness.
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5 comments:
I think you're over-analyzing it, he wants to jump your bones and has totally screwed things up.
LOL!
I wholeheartedly agree with you. It never ceases to surprise me how some therapist behave. I can't really grasp how they can be so obtuse despite their training, and everyday work.
When I decided to switch to a double major (making my psych department head mad) she INSISTED I go to therapy WITH HER and that I take the MMPI (like I was not smart enough to make it invalid, ha!). She made me stay late after class talking with HER, plus she totally violated my personal space (she would talk to you with her mouth 5cms away from hers! It was a power play to make others feel uncomfortable).
The straw that broke the camel's back was when she MADE ME write a list of 5 qualities of my CHARACTER. She started by saying I had pretty hair. Never realized curly hair was a personality trait.
She also nicknamed me 'Shirley Temple' when I cut my hair short. That's a therapist for ya!
Oh! plus she called my mom in for a meeting (I paid for MY college and I was over 21 at the time) and then proceeded to tell her I needed 'heavy rounds of psychotherapy' because I had big issues (because I didn't want to be a therapist myself). The nerve!
Then I discovered she didn't even have a masters and had lied on her application to the college. AMAZING.
Robin,
This. Is. Amazing. I think you are dead on! I wish you could send him this analysis without actually having to re-engage in contact with him.
Also, someone with such poor writing skills should refrain from that form of communication altogether, lest their clients catch on that they are actually dumb asses. Don't you think?
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