God, therapy, and mommyhood

Hello again, blog! Time flies! I can't believe how long it's been since my last post. I apologize for neglecting you. Maybe it's true what they say, that contentment is bad for creativity. No, I think I've just been busy.

One thing has happened: there's a little human being in my belly. How crazy is that? I can already feel her fluttering around in there. She's been very good to me so far. I haven't felt that different, except for tiredness. So. Tired.

I notice it most at work. I feel more impatient, like I have less to give emotionally. I worry I may have lost a few people as a result. I try to tell myself that God is giving me what I can handle for the day, and the people who need me. The thing is, I don't have a job where I can have occasional checked-out, tired days. I've had those jobs before, where you can coast through sometimes and stare into space. That's about what I feel like doing. Well, what I really feel like doing is taking naps and picking flowers. Is that so wrong?

I feel I need to be "on" most of the time as a therapist. After all, that's what I would want from a therapist. People are making time and spending more than they want to see me.  And when I'm able to be, I'm frequently, almost daily, in awe of the inspiring, profound, thought-provoking, sacred, crazy and even fun! moments that happen. Other days, I don't have it in me and just want people to be okay, fast.

I work for an organization that promotes "faith-integrated counseling." We used to be "pastoral counseling." At first, I was worried my personal beliefs would clash. I'm not sure I can be any authority on helping people get to know God. I'm realizing, though, that the joke is on me--I'm the one getting to know God better. I turn to God more and more for guidance (not to mention soothing--plenty of sessions I need to do some deep breathing and say a little prayer!). Sometimes I feel like God says stuff to me through my clients. I don't know why some people get better and others don't...I think it's often in God's hands.

Being pregnant has a way of turning my mind to God, too. Who understands such a miracle? With both work and baby, all I can do is show up and, as Ti would say, "open myself to something greater."