God, therapy, and mommyhood

Hello again, blog! Time flies! I can't believe how long it's been since my last post. I apologize for neglecting you. Maybe it's true what they say, that contentment is bad for creativity. No, I think I've just been busy.

One thing has happened: there's a little human being in my belly. How crazy is that? I can already feel her fluttering around in there. She's been very good to me so far. I haven't felt that different, except for tiredness. So. Tired.

I notice it most at work. I feel more impatient, like I have less to give emotionally. I worry I may have lost a few people as a result. I try to tell myself that God is giving me what I can handle for the day, and the people who need me. The thing is, I don't have a job where I can have occasional checked-out, tired days. I've had those jobs before, where you can coast through sometimes and stare into space. That's about what I feel like doing. Well, what I really feel like doing is taking naps and picking flowers. Is that so wrong?

I feel I need to be "on" most of the time as a therapist. After all, that's what I would want from a therapist. People are making time and spending more than they want to see me.  And when I'm able to be, I'm frequently, almost daily, in awe of the inspiring, profound, thought-provoking, sacred, crazy and even fun! moments that happen. Other days, I don't have it in me and just want people to be okay, fast.

I work for an organization that promotes "faith-integrated counseling." We used to be "pastoral counseling." At first, I was worried my personal beliefs would clash. I'm not sure I can be any authority on helping people get to know God. I'm realizing, though, that the joke is on me--I'm the one getting to know God better. I turn to God more and more for guidance (not to mention soothing--plenty of sessions I need to do some deep breathing and say a little prayer!). Sometimes I feel like God says stuff to me through my clients. I don't know why some people get better and others don't...I think it's often in God's hands.

Being pregnant has a way of turning my mind to God, too. Who understands such a miracle? With both work and baby, all I can do is show up and, as Ti would say, "open myself to something greater."

   

On Planning a Wedding

As we sat together looking at our wedding pictures, Jason turned to me and said, "That was really fun. Let's do it again." "Yes!" I said, "Do you think anyone would notice if we sent out invitations again saying, 'Hey everybody, we're getting married, come to our wedding...'?"

Lots of people talk about how stressful it is to plan a wedding...how wrapped up in materialism and meaningless traditions...so expensive it could be a down payment on a house...a huge industry preying on women's ideals. Well yeah. So. I used to think those things too, but in the end it didn't feel that way.

I loved it all. I learned a lot about myself, about Jason, about covenants and family. I think I'll have some friends getting married in the next couple years, and if I could pass along any lessons learned, I would have a few:

-Do it. Yes, it's expensive, and a lot of work, and it can be stressful negotiating family stuff. But creating such a transcendent moment is worth everything. To be surrounded by as many loved ones as possible, celebrating hope and love and commitment, is one of those sublime memories that will stay with me forever. You never know what will happen with houses or anything else you can spend money on...but that experience is irreplaceable.

-More than just that night, the process of clarifying our intentions was incredibly meaningful. Our pastor asked us, "What is it exactly that you want to promise to each other?" Answering that question was a dynamic process that put us in touch with something sacred and wise and creative in each other.

I've had a couple friends lose relationships recently, either through death or another's trouble with commitment and intimacy. It used to feel overwhelming to me to think about a lifetime commitment. Who knows what can happen in a lifetime? How can I promise that? But I am reminded that we are really only borrowing our loved ones for as long as the Universe allows us to have them. Why not fully BE THERE while you can? I dearly hope it's a very long time. I no longer understand viewing marriage as a huge, lumbering sacrifice of the self. It's precisely because we can't predict what will happen in a lifetime, or how long that lifetime may be, that I want to wholeheartedly commit to being there heart and soul. It feels good to have that intention, because each moment, and its intention, are all we really have.

My Sister's Toast

We did it! We got married!

It was a truly magical night, full of hope, love, an amazing community and pure joy. One of the best moments that I will remember forever was my sister's toast. When she got up to speak, the whole room was enthralled, with everyone hushing and then laughing and then hushing and then crying. She inspired everyone sitting there with us, taking part in our commitment. I wanted to share it with the world.

Hi there- For those of you who don't know me. I'm Nicole. Robin's sister. I've always been Robin's one and only sister and Thank God for that .... Because she's an incredible person and I am really glad to have that special "in" -- to get on the list of people who are lucky enough to know her big heart and insightful, courageous spirit. To get invited to this party. So, I'll just start this by gushing - Rockin' Robo Robin I LOVE YOU.

For those of you who just started listening... Hi, I'm Nicole. Jason's sister-in-law. I've been Jason's one and only sister in law for about an hour … And so far he's an incredible person -- kind and courageous and funny PLUS I get to send him texts with random medical questions - like why does my stomach growl and do you think I'll lose my injured toe nail (Here's a pic)?? So 5' 17" Jason "Chance" Chancer (man who loves nick names) You have officially earned another one … You are Uncle Jason to those little flower girls over there. (Ella stood on a chair and just BEAMED.) And we are lucky to have you as part of our family.

Robin and Jason care about family. I've seen it in the way they love on my kids. I've seen it in they way they brought our two families together. We've all seen it in things like the blessing of the rings. We each have a part in this marriage - in supporting and loving you two amazing people as you promise to love and support each other most of all.

Robin has mentioned at least 4 times over the last year how much it means to her when people are genuinely excited for them and their engagement. As she told clients, friends, or just wore a veil around Las Vegas… people have sincerely wished her and Jason well and been excited for them. I've seen this touch your heart deeply because family and community matter to you both so much…

But it also struck me...

No matter what we see happening around us in the world, there's something sacred about marriage … two amazing people, who are awesome on their own, team up and promise to love each other unconditionally for their entire lives … and we all feel a sense of Hope; Some sense that this is what life's all about.

Robin and Jason - your marriage is more than just a ceremony. You are the hope of the world. :)

So, since we all have so much riding on this sucker, I (as your matron of honor… AKA Lead Bridesmaid) have a little pep talk for you before the game clock starts.

Be grateful. Love is a gift. Treat each other like the person you are hoping to marry soon rather than the person you are now stuck with. Robin is a gift. Jason is a gift. Remember you don't owe each other anything. Let each touch, smile, word, and dish washed be an unexpected gift.

Let it go. Whatever is bugging you about the other one… LET IT GO. Quickly. Decide to love them more than that thing that bugs you. Let it go.

Hang on. Whatever it is you love about each other… there will be days it is not true. Robin will not be beautiful or kind or well-spoken, Jason will not be funny or brave or intelligent… these times might be short but it will be long enough to make you question everything. So hang on. Dig in - To loving the deepest, most epic and personal parts of each other. The parts you cannot list or recite. The parts that defy explanation because they are the core of him or her. Love that part on the hard days.

Share everything with each other. Protect each other. Love each other. Never give up. Never put anything or anyone above your marriage.

We believe in you. We are so excited for you! We support and love you both. We've blessed and warmed those rings… now, love the heck out of each other.

A quiet night in a two-bedroom apartment. Candles. Crickets.

What a life this is. Gratitude flows throughout me.

I moved to NC. I found a job. I have three weeks to play before I start. I'll be able to do full-time therapy in a very professional agency. Dear friends are getting together this week for a bachelorette party. Next month, more dear friends are throwing us a wedding shower. I am floored.

I like that word, floored. Like the floor is swept away and I'm levitating.

Lately I've enjoyed asking couples for their secrets and advice for a happy marriage. One lady really struck me with her answer. She and her husband were celebrating their 35th anniversary. As she struggled to come up with an answer to my question, she said, "I don't know. It was just...easy."

That really stayed with me. I'd never heard someone say that before, especially about a 35-year marriage. It sort of blew my mind a little bit, to think that such a thing is possible.

Living together has been...just...easy. And fun! There are so many little things we'll never take for granted. Like being able to cuddle as we fall asleep. Tiny little moments, glances, running into each other in the hallway. Coming home...and he's there. Seeing each other through all times of day and night, all moods, all the little daily minuscule nothings that make up intimacy. Going out together on a Tuesday night. Being able to serve each other in a million small ways, like doing the dishes, or taking out the trash, or finding a stolen laugh.

Before I met him, I lived with Emily. Emily had had many wonderful men in her life. She'd been in a long, healthy relationship for six years. She had nothing but great things to say about her boyfriend, and was bursting with good faith toward men and relationships. She blew my mind. She helped me see a whole new world. Her pure faith rubbed off on me. I consciously said to myself, "Yes, there are tons of fabulous men out there. They're everywhere." And then, boom.

I am ready, at any moment, for my mind to be blown wide open.

On Working with Men

I have a fabulous clinical supervisor who has been working as a therapist for almost 30 years. She has tons of experience with all sorts of people--adolescents, families, kids, women--but she's expressed surprise to hear how many men I see. My caseload has pretty steadily consisted of at least 25% men, and many couples.

Chances are that's because of limited resources. I can't think of a single Spanish-speaking male therapist who will work for free, so it's us or nothing. But that's given me a good opportunity.

An article called Need Therapy? A Good Man is Hard to Find was published in the New York Times on Saturday. It spells out what it calls the "feminization" of mental health care. The numbers of male counselors, social workers, and psychologists are dwindling rapidly. The article suggests that for that reason, many men who need counseling simply don't get the care they need, either because they don't want to see a woman or because a woman might not be able to understand and help as well as a man could.

Of course an important question is, Why aren't there more male counselors? Is the "talking cure" anti-masculine? After all, psychology was fathered by Freud. The article suggests the answer is the lower pay and prestige of fields like counseling and social work. (Psychiatry is still predominantly male-dominated.) So a "feminine" job is devalued, making only females attracted to it. Great. But, that speaks volumes to the importance of Pay and Prestige in Guy World.

In an article called "Why Men Fear Therapy," David Wexler, Ph.D. adds that the way therapy currently functions is a barrier for many men. "Too often therapists--both male and female--try to massage men into being more like women in the ways they express themselves and experience their emotions," he says.

"Think of what we typically ask a man to do in therapy sessions: recognize that something is wrong with him, admit that he needs help, openly discuss and express his emotions, get vulnerable, and depend on someone else for guidance and support--all extremely challenging tasks in Guy World. ...Many of us haven't figured out a way to do all these things and still really feel like men."

...And, I would add, many are simply not interested in doing them. Our goals are different. It is my job to adapt to my clients' realities.

I think many of us (us...women? feminists? therapists?) tend to dismiss or even belittle Guy World. Whatever that means exactly. I would like to better understand what it means, and these articles remind me how important it is to do so.

Call it socialization, but many men don't want to call it that. Consider how much they like talking about the animal kingdom. Steven Stosny, Ph.D. wrote an article called "Lions Without a Cause," entirely about male lions and how they can help us understand male humans. In a pride of lions, the females tend to congregate together and interact more than the males. The males hang out on the outskirts, guarding and protecting the group. They are defined by their proximity to the females and their ability to protect. He goes on to say that being a protector--or feeling like one--is the absolute most crucial priority for a man.

And the worst possible blow, he says, is humiliation. Shame-o-phobia, Dr. Wexler calls it. Underneath depression or anger or dysfunctional behavior often lies a feeling of failure, especially as a protector. Hence, a blow to the ego becomes a crisis of identity. Hence the importance of Pay and Prestige.

They both use these ideas to present tons of helpful tips for working with men, among them:

• Normalizing their experience ("I know this probably isn't much fun for you"),
• Educating ("Did you know men experience more physiological stress when they talk about feelings than women do?"),
• Assuming they have the best of intentions ("You're a good man, you're just doing some unhelpful things"),
• Using power language ("I want to help you be in charge, not the stuff outside of you"),
• Framing your goals as his own ("Compassion/listening is a great way to protect/provide for your family"),
• Seeing their aggression/withdrawal/substance abuse/etc. as their way of expressing pain,
• And good old-fashioned praise.

I have to say in my work, the men have been almost as diverse as the women. There have been some who fit the prototype of the machista Hispanic man (though most of those wouldn't be caught dead in the office of female, white, young hot-shot therapist. Self-selection, yes). But I've also seen a sweet, shy man with social phobia; a gay man struggling to be accepted at church; an adolescent who came to me crying after he committed a sex crime; a young man struggling with low sex drive; and a ton of other things. They have almost always been very respectful, cried with abandon, and happily accepted suggestions. We (women, feminists, therapists) might forget that they need just as much validation as anyone else. We talk about radical acceptance--we also need radical validation.

I don't think I gave men enough credit before, back when I only worked with women. It's been helpful to hear their side of the story. Frequently, I find them particularly fun to work with. We spend a lot less time talking in circles; they're often ready to get stuff done. They appreciate frankness and want me to be transparent, which I like to do. Many anticipate antagonism, so a little understanding softens them quickly. We tend to smile less but use more humor. Most really do have the best of intentions.

The best thing I can do for them is to work from within their world.

Celina

I am posting this with permission from my client. My program, N*COMMON, is being featured in our company newsletter this month. As a part of our article, we're featuring Celina's success story. She was one of my very first clients; we worked together for over two years. This is a picture of her in our therapy room. She wore a leather jacket and lipstick just for the occasion. Here's the excerpt from the newsletter. (It's meant to sell the program so forgive the slightly cheesy tone.)

"Through her interaction with N*COMMON, Celina has steadily healed and found new hope in her life. Her husband left El Salvador and came to the United States to support the family, including their four children. When he stopped sending money, Celina was desperate to care for her family. She left El Salvador, where she grew up, and moved without her children to the U.S. to try to find work herself. She moved back in with her husband even though he'd been abusive from early on in their marriage. He continued the abuse, to the point that she feared for her life, and she found the courage to leave him.

"Feeling very alone and having become depressed, Celina started treatment with N*COMMON. Work with her therapist (that's me! :) ) began with helping her become stable, both emotionally and in her daily life. Emotional support helped lift her from the worst of her depression. She and her therapist focused on helping her cope with her feelings and manage the stress in her life. They then moved to processing the pain and grief she endured with her husband and in separating from her children. Celina began to understand her feelings and to work through them. As she discussed domestic violence in depth with her counselor, Celina stopped blaming herself and gained confidence. She began to leave the house more often and to engage in positive activities like English classes and exercise. Assertiveness and communication skills helped Celina manage the daily stressors of work and relationships. Now, Celina says, life’s ups and downs affect her less. When she meets a challenge, she problem-solves and bounces back quickly. She finds hope in her life, in telling her story and in sharing with others – Celina is now an inspiration to many!"

Hehe! She totally is. She was really excited to share her story.

Psychiatrists

Whew. Where do I start on this one. My thesis: (many) psychiatrists are (medically speaking) Loony.

My interactions with psychiatrists have been...unexpected. As far as I know, they are held to the standard of being the experts in my field. They are highest on the hierarchy of authority. The more serious or complicated a client is, the more likely the first line of defense will be Send Her to a Psychiatrist. Therapists look to them for the most accurate diagnosis and treatment recommendations.

Thus, I always expect a psychiatrist to say something like: "Here's her history, and her symptom profile, so here's my diagnosis and what I recommend." Ha! Wouldn't that be great. So far, it hasn't gone that way.

They always have their own ideas:

"Eh, she's just a little histrionic and needs someone to talk to."

Doc: "You know, it's okay to be gay." My client: "I know, but I'm not gay." Doc: "No but really, it's okay to be gay." My client: "I know, but I'm not gay. I'm here because I can't sleep."

They are often lacking in the gender and sexuality department.

"Your (gay, male, Hispanic) client reminds me of this Korean girl I used to see. She lived with this guy for a while who put her through school in exchange for sex. In the end, it really wasn't that bad of a setup." <--phjiodaweamkdopugwWTF??

Doc: "Did you know this drug helps with PMS?"

Client: "Yes. You've told me this many times."

2 months later
Doc: "Hey, did you know this drug helps with PMS?"
Client: "And no, I didn't have PMS in the first place."

With my clients, no matter what the problem: PTSD, anxiety, depression, impulsiveness, insomnia, being a human being--80% of the time they are prescribed celexa and trazodone. You don't like it? Meh, give it four weeks. You still hate it? Meh, give it four more weeks.

I'm sure there are perfectly logical reasons behind why they do these things. But all too often, my clients end up dropping out of treatment and deciding quite reasonably that their psychiatrists are the "los locos."